My Breastfeeding Story : From Pain, Through Persistence, To Peace

Here’s a thing no one ever seems to tell you when you’re pregnant. Breastfeeding is really hard work. When I was first pregnant, like most new mothers I had a blissful idea of what breastfeeding would be like… straightforward, natural, calm. The most wonderful, normal thing in the world. Fast forward three years, and I know now that breastfeeding is one of the most heroic things a mother can do. Here’s my story.

The beginning

The story starts with Clem’s birth. You can read about it here, but in short, it was a difficult, long and painful birth, culminating in all of two minutes’ skin-to-skin before he was whisked away from me. When we were reunited, he was inconsolable and wouldn’t latch, no matter how hard we tried. Over the coming days, I hand-expressed milk into tiny syringes while he was sleeping, hoping that I would have enough to tide him over for a few more hours. 

We heard a thousand different opinions on the reason why Clem wouldn’t feed, ranging from pain in his neck due to the forceps birth, to tongue-tie, to supply issues, flat nipples, even laziness. Everyone seemed to have an opinion, and every opinion was different. I didn’t know who to listen to. And all the while, I was dreading the next time my tiny baby would wake, knowing I would try and fail to get him to feed and would have to resort to syringe feeding and topping up with formula again. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t do the most basic thing I thought a mother is designed to do. 

The helpful few

In amongst the blur of unhelpful advice, there were one or two midwives and lactation consultants that were genuinely helpful. Of all the 10 or so midwives I saw post-birth, there was one that was different. She came to see me on the second day after Clem was born, and finally listened to me. She believed me when I said that I’d tried certain things, and suggested things gently and tentatively, rather than insisting that her way was the only way. 

Most importantly of all, she listened to me when I said that having access to a breast pump would make things much easier for me. Other midwives had told me they weren’t allowed until my milk came in, but I explained that I thought it would work because my supply was already abundant. Finally, instead of being awake for an hour after Clem went to sleep, tediously hand expressing milk, I was able to spend 10 minutes with the pump and be done. That lovely midwife gave me the gift of energy to love my child. I’m eternally grateful to her.

Going home

We were in hospital for three days after Clem was born, and by the morning of the third day, I was fed up and ready to go home. I was tired of being ogled by a new midwife at every feed, and offered yet another potential explanation. I felt strongly that being at home was the best thing, that in my own space I could try different things without feeling like an experiment. The midwives were reluctant to discharge me, insisting that they needed to see a successful feed before I left, but I was so adamant to leave that we self-discharged and went home that evening.

Being at home was tough at first, I remember waking up with Clem in the night and panicking that I wouldn’t be able to feed him. And I still saw midwives and health visitors in the days that followed, each of whom offered an opinion on the elusive latch. We continued for a couple more days, patiently explaining that we already tried this or that, and that it just seemed to be impossible. 

The turning point

By day five, my milk had come in and I was feeling very low about the whole situation. Phil could see that it was taking its toll and suggested that we get in touch with a lactation consultant. This lady had run our NCT breastfeeding session, so we knew her a bit already. She came to see us at home a couple of hours after we got in touch. She showed me how to tube feed and cup feed, but most of all she just reassured me that with perseverance I would get there. I felt so much more positive just from knowing I wasn’t abnormal!

Later that same morning we had another visit from another midwife at home. This was the real gamechanger. One piece of advice we’d consistently had was that we shouldn’t resort to feeding aids like nipple shields. Even mentioning them had caused some midwives to get quite cross! But the midwife that morning said to try them. And this was the turning point. Clem immediately latched with the nipple shield and began feeding. I remember crying with happiness that we’d finally cracked it. That we wouldn’t be fighting anymore. The lovely midwife had looked at our situation and seen that something usually ‘bad’ would be so, so helpful. She advised us to keep trying without the shield first and then going back to it if Clem wouldn’t latch himself.

In the weeks that followed, I kept trying to latch Clem without the shield. Sometimes he would manage it, other times not, but we kept going regardless. He gained weight like crazy, proving that the shields weren’t causing any problems with him getting enough milk. I was sometimes frustrated by being attached to the shields. It made things much harder when I was out and about, and I wanted to not have the faff of trying to get them in place with a hungry baby. But it was miles better than it had been before.

Finally, when Clem was around four weeks old, he weaned off the shields. I had the idea one day of putting just the nipple shield in his mouth to show that it wasn’t that that made the milk. After that, he pretty much always latched without them. I was so relieved that we’d managed it.

those months of difficulty were some of the most impactful in making me the mother that I am

As Clem grew

It was wonderful to have a baby that latched to feed, but we still didn’t have the easiest ride after that. Even months in, Clem would still often have days where he’d fuss and struggle. I still don’t fully know the reason why he found it so hard, but I suspect it’s due in large part to temperament. He still gets worked up easily, and when he does, he finds it very hard to calm down enough to eat. I suspect he was just very easily stressed and needed a lot of help. But it remains a mystery to this day. I learnt over time that I needed to be patient and calm for him. Instead of getting anxious, I’d take myself off to a quiet place and sing and rock him until he calmed down enough to latch. I’d feed him standing up sometimes, I’ve no idea why that helped, but it did, so I did it!

When it came to weaning, Clem went all-in on solid food. He ate anything and everything that I gave him and self-weaned off his breastfeeds incredibly quickly, much quicker than other babies we knew. But the last feed of the evening lingered and became incredibly special to me as he grew older. I would happily have continued that feed well beyond his first birthday, but Phil and I were keen to have another baby and my cycle hadn’t returned, so when Clem was just over 13 months old, I reluctantly weaned him off his final feed. He barely seemed to notice, which was both a blessing and a sadness.

A new pregnancy

And so, with all of that wonderful and trying experience behind me, when we found out we were pregnant again, one of the things I was most excited for was to breastfeed. The fact that I hadn’t had the easiest time with Clem made me strangely confident that I would be able to feed the new baby. I’d tried so many things and learnt so much about breastfeeding that I was almost certain I’d be able to deal with any issues that arose. It couldn’t get any worse than it did last time!

And thankfully, that turned out to be right. But not only was this time easier, it was much, much easier. I know everyone doesn’t have this experience, but as hard as Clem was to feed, Margot was easy. She latched effortlessly within an hour of birth, with no coaxing, no crying, no issues whatsoever. That image I’d had way back in my first pregnancy of natural, calm breastfeeding suddenly materialised. The overwhelming emotion was relief. 

The impact of a straightforward birth

I think a lot of the success of feeding the second time was down to how different the birth was. If you read my birth story, you’ll know Margot was born in a straightforward, natural, home birth. Her entry to the world was calm and cosy, so she was given the best possible start to learn how to feed well. Aside from a little bit of the normal nipple pain, we’ve had an incredibly simple breastfeeding journey so far. In fact, so straightforward that she won’t take a bottle well, much to my dismay!

Tiny Margot and supplements

In fact, Margot is such a good feeder that it was a huge surprise to me to find out that she wasn’t gaining weight as quickly as she should. Since about six weeks old, she has dropped from around the 20th percentile to the 1st. Initially I worried that this was down to supply, but thanks to some fab breastfeeding supplements by Three Mamas, I know that this isn’t the case. I’ve been taking something called Lacto-Squirt consistently from when Margot was born, and I’ve been so surprised by how effective it is. The active ingredient is called torbangun and has been used by South Asian women for hundreds of years. I’m really not one to think that supplements are worth taking, but with these I notice a difference in how my boobs feel on days I forgot to take it - there’s definitely less milk! As for Margot, I’ve come to think that she’s just destined to be little, as she seems very content and definitely isn’t hungry.

Reflecting

I wouldn’t wish a difficult breastfeeding experience on anyone. So many mothers struggle with it, and it is truly, truly hard. But I also feel that going through those months of difficulty with Clem were some of the most impactful in making me the mother that I am. I had to quickly let go of my perfectionist tendencies and accept the situation in front of me. I had to take control of my anxiety and learn to be calm and patient for my little boy. I am a stronger, more resilient, more loving mother because of that experience. So much of motherhood is like that. It’s so tough, but it shapes us into the best parents we can be to our children. I hope my story helps those of you who are struggling now, or who might struggle in future. Remember that good will come out of it, no matter how hard it may be.

Three Mamas, who I mentioned in this story, have kindly given me a discount code for you all. Use the code ‘Innes2020’ for 20% off their products. They gifted me some of their products, but as usual I’ve given them a real test before recommending them. They’re genuinely fab!